Daily Archives: March 14, 2011


I have always felt like an outsider. And not in a bad way.

Even in my native Ireland as a youth I used to marvel at the antics of my fellow Irish people like they were ants in some sort of experiment.

Irish people are island people.

Foreigners can’t just drive to Ireland on a whim, like say the Dutch can into Germany, or Belgium, or Luxembourg. And vice-versa.

So islanders can easily and conveniently ignore the rest of the world. And develop quirks that nobody ever remarks on because we’re all the same. And we can’t imagine things being any different.

You develop your own peculiar worldview that nobody questions.

I remember countless times in Ireland growing up where I had to bite my lip to stop myself laughing at what my compatriots thought was perfectly normal behaviour.

I had the outsider perspective even in my homeland!

So when I left my native land, and I was 22 years old when I did, I was ready to be a bona fide outsider.

I had the funny accent and everything. And I was ready to be amazed at the antics of my new homeland.

It didn’t take long.

I had very recently arrived in the USA and went to a party in Queens New York.

At the party I saw something that blew my mind.

A guy picked up a can of Easy Cheese and squirted it right into his mouth.

I nearly died of shock!

What the hell was that guy doing???????????????

I honestly thought he was eating hair mousse or something.

And I kind of exclaimed something to that effect.

Everyone looked at me like I was crazy.

I looked at everyone like they were crazy.

They explained that it was in fact cheese he had squirted into his mouth.

This shocked me even more.

Why on earth would such a thing as squirtable cheese even exist? How was that a good idea?

That’s the outsider’s edge.

You know how and why THEY are crazy.

In a way that they can never know.

Because they are THEM.

And you’re not one of them.

And never really can be.

You’re an outsider.

I still think squirting cheese into your mouth is utter craziness btw.